It's my party...

...and I'll analyze my data if I want to.

Today is my birthday and I'll be spending the majority of my time working today.  I used to look forward to the chocolate cake my mom would make me and opening the gifts I'd received.  What has come to mean more than cake and gifts, however, are the birthday memories my parents created for me.  I am honored and humbled by the well wishes of family and friends.  More than ever, I appreciate being on the receiving end of happy thoughts and positive vibes.  Grown ups know that birthdays aren't really about indulging yourself; they're about pausing to appreciate making it through the highlights and the struggles over the last year and saying thank you to everyone who helped you.  God willing, this year's balance will weigh more toward the positive side but either way, I'm grateful for another day.

In closing, here's a blast from the past photo from my "beauty queen" days.  My mom posted this and other old family photos this morning and each one recalled a precious memory.  What a wonderful gift!  I'm not sure what is going on with my hair in this photo, but aside from enabling questionable hair choices for me, my parents were supportive and inspiring all through my childhood and adolescence   My mother made one of the formals I needed to participate on the court and helped me bargain shop for the alternate one I'm wearing here.  My dad drove us to a myriad of small towns and pulled the float in countless parades.  I know I didn't appreciate them at that time and maybe I never will appreciate them fully, but thanks for all if it.  Thanks for teaching me that one of the best gifts you can give is to make someone you love feel special.

And speaking of indulging myself, I'm heading out for a birthday massage.  Oh and I wouldn't say no to a piece of chocolate cake ;).

  

Remembering Dad on All Saints' Day

Three years ago today we unexpectedly lost our father.  Halloween has become a difficult time of year for me.  I'd like to think that losing my dad has enabled me to be more present in my life, but sometimes daily life with three kids is such a struggle that you don't have time to appreciate it.  As much as I like our life in Colorado, living away from home is especially hard on days like today.  I want to be with my brother when we visit his grave.  I want to take my kids to talk to G-Pa and honor his memory.  I want to be in the place he loved so that I can feel like he is still with us maybe taking a nap in the other room.

But these are the selfish desires of the left behind.  There are so many things I want to share with him about the kids, about my life, and I want to know what's going on in his life.  Sometimes I still write emails to him and just save them.  I know he's with us and I know he watches over my children, but I miss his laugh, his voice, his embrace, even his fried SPAM and pancake breakfasts.  It's funny how when you lose someone you finally realize how all of those things that used to drive you crazy about their personality were the precious jewels of their individuality.

I want to keep him alive and I do that by trying to honor his memory in my own life.  I make insanely time consuming craft projects and dragon costumes with the kids.  I sing, dance, and joke with them.  And yes, on occasion, I make fried SPAM.  I joined a church because he found so much comfort and joy in his religious community.  I volunteer in the school and church, inspired by my dad, because he was always generous with the gift of his time.  I am THERE with them and he is THERE too.  We are one in service to others.

Today, I went back and read some old emails I've saved from him.  Here's one he sent just prior to his death.  He was remembering me as a child because he'd recently read Michael Perry's "Truck," and the author was describing falling in love with his future wife and his getting to know her daughter from a previous relationship.  He always told me he fell in love with both of us when he met my mom.  Here he is talking about how I went through an Indiana Jones phase:

"in Truck....when he told about amy, the little girl...only answering to "seabiscut"  I had to laugh...it reminded me of my little  "Indianna Jones" !!!!  haha!   I remember someone ( cant remember who) stopped in to see me...we were outside talking by his car and all of a sudden he does a double take...looking out into the woods...I thought I saw a little kid out there.   I could see you peering around a big tree...with your tan hat on...I said..." oh, thats Indianna Jones! "  ha!"


I love you, Dad.  Now and Always.

The Illness Part 2: Here We Go Again

Earlier this year I wrote about how our middle child struggled with daily headaches and stomachaches for two months.  Doctors were baffled as to why she was experiencing this.  The most likely explanation we arrived at was that she was suffering a viral illness made more severe by her uncontrolled seasonal allergies and food sensitivities.  Through daily allergy medication and strict avoidance of known foods that bothered her (I still need to blog about the food issues), she experienced several months of good health and a mostly pain free summer.

And then it was back to school time.  Just before her 9th birthday she came down with a nasty bug that kept her out of school for three days.  She was prescribed an anti-viral med that helped her recover and go back to school.  Our oldest daughter also was sick for several days, so we knew it was more viral than environmental this time.  Everyone recovered and was better:  for approximately 3 minutes.

We are on another round of virus, on the heels of the last one that seems to be provoking the illness pattern we saw with middle child earlier this year.  She's having daily headaches that don't respond to over the counter meds and stomach upset that keeps her appetite down.  Our oldest is also suffering simliar but not as severe symptoms.  The youngest seems to have only an amazing amount of boogers and cough from the drainage.

I'm feeling alternately anxious and depressed about these issues.  Being strong for them takes its toll on my mental and emotional health.  We've been here before.  Feeling ineffectual is the biggest stressor in all of this.  As I learned with my husband's two month hospitalization in 2009, there is no asking why; there is only what, how, and now.  What is this and what do I do now?  How do I make it through today?  How do I help them?

My heart has grown legs.  Legs that sport hand-me-down pants and mismatched socks.  My heart lugs a massive purple backpack past the chain link fence.  She turns around and looks at me once, a smile on her face.  She waves at me discreetly, not wanting her peers to know she wants one more look at Mom before going forward with her day.

50 Shades of Dull: A Book Review (sort of)

**Spoiler Alert:  This post references the best-selling book  50 Shades of Grey and may give away what I hesitate to describe as plot points.**

Confession Time:  During summer and winter breaks I sometimes like to read trashy, fun books.  Similarly, I like to read People while at the dentist and will admit to perusing Entertainment Weekly at Barnes and Noble if no one I know is looking.  This summer, I decided to try 50 Shades of Grey mostly to see what all the hype was about.  After reading it (and skimming large sections I must admit), I was left scratching my head and wondering why this book has become so popular.

Okay.  I get it; the sex scenes can be pretty hot, but honestly, they're nothing I haven't read before in much more interesting formats.  I think the SNL skit in which they pointed out that e-readers such as the Amazon Kindle may be contributing to this book's popularity was a brilliant point.  I also find the word-of-mouth or word-of-Facebook diffusion of this book through friendship networks fascinating.

Perhaps this book can best be described as the literary equivalent of SPAM or Jell-O.  You know it's terrible for you, but sometimes you just crave those empty, processed calories.  Actually, that analogy breaks down when I realize that I have sentimental feelings when eating SPAM because it reminds me of my dad and Jell-O because it's ubiquitous at midwestern potlucks and on my grandparents' supper table.

Let's try this - imagine the Twilight novels in all their teen angst-y glory but take away the semi-interesting and innovative mythology (basically a Disney PG version of vegetarian vampires) and Meyer's decent action scene writing.  You are left with a romance between two characters who make dry toast look interesting.  Now imagine that romance was something you'd see on late night cable TV with an NC-17 rating and you get the picture.  But that's IT.  Just moving from (what some would consider) one kinky sex scene to another. And it's not enough.

First of all, I understand this a fantasy novel but the main characters are just so unbelievable as to be ridiculous.  A college student who doesn't own a cell phone or a laptop?  What century was this written in?  A male lead who is all of 27, a billionaire, flies helicopters, has all the time in the world to answer stupid email messages, is great looking, and great in bed?!  I rolled my eyes (cruising for a spanking I suppose) every time I read about Ana's "inner goddess" or read about Christian calling her "baby" during sex.  I skimmed over the annoying email flirting/conversations in which Ana expressed her exasperation with Christian.

Second, there really is no story or plot to speak of here.  Young woman meets wealthy billionaire.  Billionaire deflowers young woman who proceeds to have multiple orgasms for a hundred pages interspersed with the aforementioned annoying email conversations.  Young woman decides she can't handle the billionaire's request for a Dominant-Submissive relationship.  End of book.  Snore.

Finally, I'm concerned about the subtext of this book.  Ana fears Christian and his moodiness and modifies her behavior accordingly.  I understand that one of the points (and I'm not sure how much I'm reading into this) of the book is to raise the issue of how in order to give and receive pleasure we all have to expose an intimate part of ourselves to the potential for physical or emotional pain.  At the heart of it, Ana's problem with Christian is also what draws her to him.  What is presented as his dysfunction results in behavior that is physically intimate but emotionally distant.  Fans of the fantasy genre will recognize this much-explored beauty and the beast/monster-innocent trope.  Monster is attracted to innocent but keeps him/her at arm's length because they are either worried about killing or hurting innocent.  Illogically, innocent finds this behavior by the monster to be irresistible.  You love me so much you don't want to love me because you're afraid of hurting me?  I LOVE YOU.

It's not that I'm a prude or that I don't enjoy some kinky fantasy now and then.  When I compare Christian to the vampire/monster in other fantasy stories, this is not a judgment of his preference for BDSM.  To each his/her own (as long as it's consenting adults).  It's just that this has been done in other places and in better ways.  I think these issues of intimacy and how much humiliation one can bear and still fundamentally be true to themselves are interesting issues, but for me, they have to be explored as a part of a broader, more complex narrative.  In other words, they have to be socially situated.  What would society look like if monsters were real?  Or what if BDSM was a socially accepted lifestyle?

Several fantasy and modern fantasy series explore these questions with more interesting plot lines and sex scenes that are even more "screaming thigh sweat" inducing than 50 Shades.  So if 50 Shades left you wanting more (especially in terms of plot, or good old fashioned story telling), I recommend the following:

1.  The Kushiel's Legacy Trilogy:  Kushiel's Dart, Kushiel's Chosen, Kushiel's Avatar by:  Jacqueline Carey.

http://www.amazon.com/Kushiels-Dart-Jacqueline-Carey/dp/0765342987/ref=pd_bxgy_b_img_c

The heroine of this trilogy is a natural-born submissive who experiences pain as pleasure.  Set in a medieval version of France, Phedre no Delauney grows into an experienced courtesan and spy whose skills in and out of the bedchamber have the potential to make or break dynasties and save a kingdom.

2.  The first ten or so books of the Anita Blake Vampire Hunter series by Laurell K. Hamilton and the first several books of the Sookie Stackhouse books (the basis for the hit HBO series True Blood) by Charlaine Harris.

Both of these series have since succumb to the same issues I had with 50 Shades but the earlier books are fun, sexy, dark, and have some great (out of the bedroom) action to set the pace.  I also like that despite being submissive at times, all of these heroines are complicated, interesting characters with their own strengths and weaknesses.

3.  If sexy, rich, Irish guys are your thing, I occasionally enjoy an Eve Dallas novel by J.D. Robb (Nora Roberts), but these do tend to get repetitive.

The Illness

As many of you know, one of our children has been struggling with an ongoing illness since January.  After multiple trips to the ER and specialists, thousands of dollars spent on co-pays, and many hours of missed school and work, we have yet to establish an accurate diagnosis and an effective way of treating her.

*(not our kid - free image from freedigitalphotos.net)



Here's what we know so far:
1.  This illness appears to be non-life threatening and not degenerative (Thank God).
2.  The kid's quality of life is very negatively affected by The Illness.
3.  Allergies and sensitivities to foods play a part in her condition.
4.  Her immune system appears quite weakened (she gets EVERY virus).
5.  Most of the doctors are well-meaning but haven't got a clue how to treat this.

Here's a few of the ways our lives have altered over the last six months:
1.  On any given day, the kid will have an incredibly painful headache or stomachache.  Sometimes the meds help, sometimes they don't.
2.  The list of foods that cause reactions (itchy mouth, tongue, throat) expands weekly and to date inclues: all fresh fruits (except strawberries), some fresh vegetables, soy products, wheat/gluten, some kinds of red food dye, and chick peas.
3.  On any given day I will be close to overwhelmed with anxiety or depression from watching and worrying about the kid and her pain.
4.  The other kids have had to accept that Mom is less organized and more likely to forget to remind them about homework, field trip lunches, etc.
5.  Any and all plans we make are incredibly tentative depending on the kid's day-to-day pain level.

What's most frustrating of course is watching the kid in pain and not being able to help.  I'm grateful that The Illness isn't worse, but I don't really have hope for fixing this in the near future.  We take it a day at a time and do our best in the now.  I don't write as much as I'd like to.  Writing happens in 15 minute bursts after I've stared at the screen for three hours, checked my phone for messages from the school, and ordered yet another book about allergies from the library.  I don't meet the deadlines I'd hoped to.  I've had to ask everyone for patience with my schedule and needing to change appointments.  I have had to give myself permission to take the time to see the counselor, get a massage, take a bath, go for a walk, or read a non-fiction book (or write a cathartic blog post).  Because if I don't do these things, I won't be able to cope with this.

Motherhood through this illness has become a different job.  Sure there's still the day to day tasks that ensure the kids are fed, clean, and generally not little assholes.  But I've had to become an expert in The Illness as see her experiencing it.  At any moment, I've got to reference a database of information about virus history, symptom description, and food reactions and exposures.  I've got to be able to recount and explain all of this on the spot from memory because apparently the doctors DO NOT TALK TO EACH OTHER.  Seriously, I have to repeat EVERYTHING every time I see a doctor?  I thought we had electronic medical records.  These doctors can read, right?

The implication of this is that I know more about this particular case of The Illness than any doctor I'm seeing.  I don't have the same medical background that the doctors do, but I'm not a total idiot either.  Kid has severe allergies.  Allergies mean immune system is out-of-whack.  Immune system not functioning correctly means she gets sick.  A lot.  No, doctor, I don't want to watch a video about a treatment method that might help in three or four years, I want you to look at my kid as a whole person.  Look at her as a mini-ecosystem, if you will, and The Illness is an invasive species that has come along and screwed everything up.  Here's the kind of scenario we're working with:  The bats are dying from an invasive parasite and so they don't eat the mosquitos.  The mosquitos are out of control and carry West Nile Virus so no one takes vacations to the lakes.  The state has less money in tax revenue due to lost tourism money.  Lost tourism money means fewer research grants to figure out why the bats are dying.  Yeah, some version of that kind of frustrating systemic problem is what I think is happening.

The only doctor who comes close to looking at the whole patient is our chiropractor.  What she's doing seems to help manage symptoms and she will actually talk to you for more than three seconds.  We're set to see a new doctor who has training in both traditional and alternative medicine at the end of the month.  Hopefully it will be worth the time and money to see him.  In the meantime, I'll continue to evolve as one part mom, one part scientific expert on "The Illness."

For Mother's Day, Can We Get Over the 3-Year-Old Eating and Get to the Real Issues?

There is a lot of discussion and debate going on this Mother's Day weekend about the Time magazine cover that shows a young, attractive mom breastfeeding a preschool-aged child.  http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/arts-post/post/time-cover-milks-shocking-image-photo/2012/05/10/gIQAOd8qFU_blog.html  I admit I have not read the content of the article yet and I suspect many of the people commenting on it haven't either.  But I couldn't go into Mother's Day this year without commenting.  For me, the debates about how long and how publicly a woman should breastfeed and whether or not the mom in the photo should have allowed her son's face to be visible are missing the more important issues.  Leaving aside for a minute that as a society we would find an image of a mother breastfeeding to be so shocking and controversial, some writers are working toward moving past judgement.  See for example: 


"Our job as parents isn't to judge. Our job is to love and protect our children. To clothe and feed and snuggle them. The next time you feel compelled to say something snarky about another human's parenting, maybe go give your kids a hug instead, because those are the kids that are your business."  from http://gogozen.blogspot.com/2012/05/youre-doing-it-right.html?spref=fb&fb_source=message 


Kelly offers some great perspective on ending judgement of moms by moms.  The problem, however, is that there are broader institutional challenges for mothers that are glossed over when we focus on what some consider to be parenting extremes.  Firstly, I am wondering if there is acknowledgement in the article about which parents are even able to consider following the practices of attachement parenting.  This is the same thing that drives me crazy about all those celebrity mothers who immediately lose the baby weight and then are lauded for it in the media.  Of course they lost the baby weight and look fantastic.  They have support networks their wealth and position can provide!  They can afford macrobiotic (or whatever) meals made by professional chefs and aren't depending on the time and money budgets of a more average mom to sustain their families (time to prepare meal = 5 minutes while baby naps, budget for meal = tuna casserole).  


Secondly, many families do not have the luxury of depending on one income so that that the other parent (if there is another parent) can focus so much time and effort on childcare.  Also, despite recent trends in stay-at-home dad-ing, when we talk about attachment parenting, the focus is often on what moms are doing or not doing or should be doing.  Culturally then, we are still imagining a gendered breadwinner/homemaker family model that was really only statistically true for a decade or so in the 20th century.  Well, this is the cultural ideal if you are heterosexual and middle class anyway.  Working class women have a longer history of balancing income-generating work and household duties because their income was necessary to meet basic cost of living needs.  Modern welfare policies in the U.S. reflect this class differentiation in parenting ideals by requiring benefit recipients to seek employment.


Despite an overall increase in the employment rates of women with young children over the latter half of the 20th century, work by sociologist Arlie Hoschild suggests that women are more likely than their male partners to reduce work hours after the birth of children. The "Second Shift" phenomenon, in which women face a disproportionate burden of house and care work, leads them to rely on flexible work hours or shifting to part-time work as a way to do it all.  Recent discussions about the cost to women of breastfeeding their children (http://news.yahoo.com/hidden-cost-breast-feeding-revealed-114941470.html) in the context of a persistant gender wage gap may partially explain the propensity of women in male-female partnerships to reduce out-of-the home work hours after the birth of children.  Differences in the rate of pay between men and women may also in part be due to the fact that jobs that women gravitate to are paid less on average.  Whether women enter jobs with lower pay and more flexible hours in part because they realize they will face family-workplace conflicts in the future is a broader issue that we miss with the so-called divisive "Mommy Wars."  


Finally, there is what sociologist Shelley Correll and her research partners have labeled "The Motherhood Penalty."  The researchers found that in matched pairs of resumes where other variables were held constant, women presented as mothers were rated as less committed and competent with respect to their careers (than women without children) and  offered lower starting salaries.  Fatherhood, on the other hand, was a benefit for men.  Men presented as fathers were offered higher starting salaries compared to men who were not presented as fathers.  Correll and her partners argue that cultural expectations about women as mothers are inconsistent with our expectations of who competent, committed workers are.  Gender inequality is reproduced through stereotyping and remains pervasive.


As mothers we want to do right by our children.  Doing so means that as a society we support mothers, fathers, and caregivers by respecting the fact that care work IS work.  It also means ensuring a living wage for families and adequate health care.  We can take a step in the right direction by not allowing the media to push us into defensive positioning.  This Mother's Day, let's support all people who contribute to the care and education of children whether they practice attachement parenting or not and whether they are biologically mothers or not.  Let's keep in mind the more important issues that affect the lives of parents and children and not lose focus because of an image of a breast in a child's mouth.  


(I look forward to updating this post after I've read the text of the article.)