Three years ago today we unexpectedly lost our father. Halloween has become a difficult time of year for me. I'd like to think that losing my dad has enabled me to be more present in my life, but sometimes daily life with three kids is such a struggle that you don't have time to appreciate it. As much as I like our life in Colorado, living away from home is especially hard on days like today. I want to be with my brother when we visit his grave. I want to take my kids to talk to G-Pa and honor his memory. I want to be in the place he loved so that I can feel like he is still with us maybe taking a nap in the other room.
But these are the selfish desires of the left behind. There are so many things I want to share with him about the kids, about my life, and I want to know what's going on in his life. Sometimes I still write emails to him and just save them. I know he's with us and I know he watches over my children, but I miss his laugh, his voice, his embrace, even his fried SPAM and pancake breakfasts. It's funny how when you lose someone you finally realize how all of those things that used to drive you crazy about their personality were the precious jewels of their individuality.
I want to keep him alive and I do that by trying to honor his memory in my own life. I make insanely time consuming craft projects and dragon costumes with the kids. I sing, dance, and joke with them. And yes, on occasion, I make fried SPAM. I joined a church because he found so much comfort and joy in his religious community. I volunteer in the school and church, inspired by my dad, because he was always generous with the gift of his time. I am THERE with them and he is THERE too. We are one in service to others.
Today, I went back and read some old emails I've saved from him. Here's one he sent just prior to his death. He was remembering me as a child because he'd recently read Michael Perry's "Truck," and the author was describing falling in love with his future wife and his getting to know her daughter from a previous relationship. He always told me he fell in love with both of us when he met my mom. Here he is talking about how I went through an Indiana Jones phase:
"in Truck....when he told about amy, the little girl...only answering to "seabiscut" I had to laugh...it reminded me of my little "Indianna Jones" !!!! haha! I remember someone ( cant remember who) stopped in to see me...we were outside talking by his car and all of a sudden he does a double take...looking out into the woods...I thought I saw a little kid out there. I could see you peering around a big tree...with your tan hat on...I said..." oh, thats Indianna Jones! " ha!"
I love you, Dad. Now and Always.
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