It's my party...

...and I'll analyze my data if I want to.

Today is my birthday and I'll be spending the majority of my time working today.  I used to look forward to the chocolate cake my mom would make me and opening the gifts I'd received.  What has come to mean more than cake and gifts, however, are the birthday memories my parents created for me.  I am honored and humbled by the well wishes of family and friends.  More than ever, I appreciate being on the receiving end of happy thoughts and positive vibes.  Grown ups know that birthdays aren't really about indulging yourself; they're about pausing to appreciate making it through the highlights and the struggles over the last year and saying thank you to everyone who helped you.  God willing, this year's balance will weigh more toward the positive side but either way, I'm grateful for another day.

In closing, here's a blast from the past photo from my "beauty queen" days.  My mom posted this and other old family photos this morning and each one recalled a precious memory.  What a wonderful gift!  I'm not sure what is going on with my hair in this photo, but aside from enabling questionable hair choices for me, my parents were supportive and inspiring all through my childhood and adolescence   My mother made one of the formals I needed to participate on the court and helped me bargain shop for the alternate one I'm wearing here.  My dad drove us to a myriad of small towns and pulled the float in countless parades.  I know I didn't appreciate them at that time and maybe I never will appreciate them fully, but thanks for all if it.  Thanks for teaching me that one of the best gifts you can give is to make someone you love feel special.

And speaking of indulging myself, I'm heading out for a birthday massage.  Oh and I wouldn't say no to a piece of chocolate cake ;).

  

Remembering Dad on All Saints' Day

Three years ago today we unexpectedly lost our father.  Halloween has become a difficult time of year for me.  I'd like to think that losing my dad has enabled me to be more present in my life, but sometimes daily life with three kids is such a struggle that you don't have time to appreciate it.  As much as I like our life in Colorado, living away from home is especially hard on days like today.  I want to be with my brother when we visit his grave.  I want to take my kids to talk to G-Pa and honor his memory.  I want to be in the place he loved so that I can feel like he is still with us maybe taking a nap in the other room.

But these are the selfish desires of the left behind.  There are so many things I want to share with him about the kids, about my life, and I want to know what's going on in his life.  Sometimes I still write emails to him and just save them.  I know he's with us and I know he watches over my children, but I miss his laugh, his voice, his embrace, even his fried SPAM and pancake breakfasts.  It's funny how when you lose someone you finally realize how all of those things that used to drive you crazy about their personality were the precious jewels of their individuality.

I want to keep him alive and I do that by trying to honor his memory in my own life.  I make insanely time consuming craft projects and dragon costumes with the kids.  I sing, dance, and joke with them.  And yes, on occasion, I make fried SPAM.  I joined a church because he found so much comfort and joy in his religious community.  I volunteer in the school and church, inspired by my dad, because he was always generous with the gift of his time.  I am THERE with them and he is THERE too.  We are one in service to others.

Today, I went back and read some old emails I've saved from him.  Here's one he sent just prior to his death.  He was remembering me as a child because he'd recently read Michael Perry's "Truck," and the author was describing falling in love with his future wife and his getting to know her daughter from a previous relationship.  He always told me he fell in love with both of us when he met my mom.  Here he is talking about how I went through an Indiana Jones phase:

"in Truck....when he told about amy, the little girl...only answering to "seabiscut"  I had to laugh...it reminded me of my little  "Indianna Jones" !!!!  haha!   I remember someone ( cant remember who) stopped in to see me...we were outside talking by his car and all of a sudden he does a double take...looking out into the woods...I thought I saw a little kid out there.   I could see you peering around a big tree...with your tan hat on...I said..." oh, thats Indianna Jones! "  ha!"


I love you, Dad.  Now and Always.