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| This is what dissertating looks like.. |
As I was writing a section of my dissertation today something very different than what I intended to write came out. I don't know if this will make it into my final dissertation draft in any way, so I'll post it here. It's probably too personal and too 'biased' to be a part of a scientific product but in my case the scientific is personal. I believe I am capable of and have conducted open-minded research, but I'd be lying if I claimed that I wasn't biased. Because I am. I am pro-mothers. I believe that expecting mothers too often are treated as though they are either incapable of evaluating complicated information or as cultural dopes manipulated by patriarchy. So here's the backstory to my dissertation project about childbirth, a labor of love I've spent thousands of hours (and dollars) to complete. This story took me seven years to write. I can finally say here that while I'm grateful for the quality of care I received during my cesarean and for the lessons it taught me, I wish I'd had another option.
My Cesarean Story:
I
found out four weeks before my third child was due that he was
breech. I had to ask about the possibility of cephalic
version or attempting to turn the baby into a head-down position
prior to birth; my doctor did not offer it. I only knew about this
possibility because I had already begun preliminary research for my dissertation project. I was shocked when my doctor told me “External cephalic
version usually doesn't work and it hurts! I would just schedule the
cesarean if I were you.”
I
opted to try the external cephalic version. Two weeks before my
estimated due date, the obstetrician and a resident attempted to turn
my son into a head-down position while continuously monitoring his heart rate. The version was performed in the hospital
and I had to be prepared for an emergency cesarean if something went
wrong during the version such as the umbilical cord wrapping around
my son's neck. I realized later the resident was encouraged to try
because they did so few versions it was an opportunity for her to
practice a technique she had only read about. My son's body was
gently pushed into a lateral position which, while not as painful as
labor contractions, was very uncomfortable for me. From this lateral
position instead of completing a turn into a head-down position,
however, he would shift back into breech. On the third attempt his
heart rate decelerated marginally and the doctor stopped the
procedure. After the obstetrician and resident left the room, the
nurse begin unhooking the monitors and preparing us for discharge.
As she chatted with my husband and me, this nurse expressed that she
thought the doctor should not have let the resident attempt the
version and that they had not “tried hard enough” to turn my son.
She had been a labor and delivery nurse for over 30 years and had
experienced the transition from vaginal breech to cesarean breech
birth first-hand. In her opinion, cesarean section was overused as a
way to deal with more complicated births.
While
I wished that things had gone differently with the version, I was out
of options. My only “choice” at this point was to attempt a
vaginal breech birth at home or schedule a cesarean. Having birthed
two large babies without epidurals (8 pounds 13 ounces and 9 pounds 3
ounces) I was confident in my ability to achieve a vaginal breech
birth, but I was not comfortable with the risks associated with a
breech home birth. The fact that I felt had no
choice
in the matter was the most frustrating part. We scheduled the
cesarean for the following week. As I lay in my hospital bed after
the surgery, groggy from the spinal anesthesia wearing off, I knew
what I was missing. With my daughters I was able to hold them
immediately and put them to the breast. I felt a rush of adrenaline
post-birth. By the time my son was given to me, I could barely hold
his tiny bundled body. I felt numb not only from the waist down but
emotionally. That night, I took my son from the layette and put him
in bed next to me. The nurse checking on me commented that she had
never seen anyone do that before. As I stared down at him, I felt
relief and gratitude for this healthy baby and that we had made it
through the surgery. But it would take me years to appreciate that I had experienced
this birth and realize that it cemented my decision to study
childbirth.
More to come...but for now...back to the dissertation draft.
