Full Disclosure: This is Why I Spent 8 Years Studying Childbirth

This is what dissertating looks like..

As I was writing a section of my dissertation today something very different than what I intended to write came out.  I don't know if this will make it into my final dissertation draft in any way, so I'll post it here.  It's probably too personal and too 'biased' to be a part of a scientific product but in my case the scientific is personal.  I believe I am capable of and have conducted open-minded research, but I'd be lying if I claimed that I wasn't biased.  Because I am.  I am pro-mothers.  I believe that expecting mothers too often are treated as though they are either incapable of evaluating complicated information or as cultural dopes manipulated by patriarchy.  So here's the backstory to my dissertation project about childbirth, a labor of love I've spent thousands of hours (and dollars) to complete.  This story took me seven years to write.  I can finally say here that while I'm grateful for the quality of care I received during my cesarean and for the lessons it taught me, I wish I'd had another option.  


My Cesarean Story:

I found out four weeks before my third child was due that he was breech. I had to ask about the possibility of cephalic version or attempting to turn the baby into a head-down position prior to birth; my doctor did not offer it. I only knew about this possibility because I had already begun preliminary research for my dissertation project. I was shocked when my doctor told me “External cephalic version usually doesn't work and it hurts! I would just schedule the cesarean if I were you.”

I opted to try the external cephalic version. Two weeks before my estimated due date, the obstetrician and a resident attempted to turn my son into a head-down position while continuously monitoring his heart rate. The version was performed in the hospital and I had to be prepared for an emergency cesarean if something went wrong during the version such as the umbilical cord wrapping around my son's neck. I realized later the resident was encouraged to try because they did so few versions it was an opportunity for her to practice a technique she had only read about. My son's body was gently pushed into a lateral position which, while not as painful as labor contractions, was very uncomfortable for me. From this lateral position instead of completing a turn into a head-down position, however, he would shift back into breech. On the third attempt his heart rate decelerated marginally and the doctor stopped the procedure. After the obstetrician and resident left the room, the nurse begin unhooking the monitors and preparing us for discharge. As she chatted with my husband and me, this nurse expressed that she thought the doctor should not have let the resident attempt the version and that they had not “tried hard enough” to turn my son. She had been a labor and delivery nurse for over 30 years and had experienced the transition from vaginal breech to cesarean breech birth first-hand. In her opinion, cesarean section was overused as a way to deal with more complicated births.

While I wished that things had gone differently with the version, I was out of options. My only “choice” at this point was to attempt a vaginal breech birth at home or schedule a cesarean. Having birthed two large babies without epidurals (8 pounds 13 ounces and 9 pounds 3 ounces) I was confident in my ability to achieve a vaginal breech birth, but I was not comfortable with the risks associated with a breech home birth. The fact that I felt had no choice in the matter was the most frustrating part. We scheduled the cesarean for the following week. As I lay in my hospital bed after the surgery, groggy from the spinal anesthesia wearing off, I knew what I was missing. With my daughters I was able to hold them immediately and put them to the breast. I felt a rush of adrenaline post-birth. By the time my son was given to me, I could barely hold his tiny bundled body. I felt numb not only from the waist down but emotionally. That night, I took my son from the layette and put him in bed next to me. The nurse checking on me commented that she had never seen anyone do that before. As I stared down at him, I felt relief and gratitude for this healthy baby and that we had made it through the surgery. But it would take me years to appreciate that I had experienced this birth and realize that it cemented my decision to study childbirth.  

More to come...but for now...back to the dissertation draft.