Image Credit: Tony Toggles
Whew! It's been a heck of a year for our family: I started my first full-time teaching job post-graduate school. Dear Husband changed jobs twice (or was it three times? At any rate - it's good). Oldest Daughter finished middle school at a new (better) school and will continue there for high school. Middle Daughter performed in a play and finished her final year of elementary school. Youngest Son became re-obsessed with all things Pokemon and has branched into Magic: The Gathering. We did THREE days at Comic Con and Oldest Daughter and I presented to a crowd of 220 (nerd level up). We are facing the logistical challenge of routinely having family members at three schools and two work places next fall and I don't even want to think about how we are going to accomplish that without: 1) a TARDIS and 2) Hermione's time-turner. (Well I guess a TARDIS renders a time-turner redundant; but that's a nerd debate for another post.)
One of the biggest changes for our family over the past year is Oldest Daughter's gender nonconformity in terms of her gender role performance. As a sociology professor, I regularly teach intro-level students about the differences between assigned sex, gender, gender identity, sexual orientation, and gender roles. I understand all of these concepts on an analytic level. I understand how to explain all of these to students who have maybe never considered that these are related but distinct concepts. But even with this knowledge living this parenting experience is completely different.
Let me be clear: My child is possibly trans*, but not transgender (click here for clarification on trans vs. trans*). I do not claim to speak for parents of trans children. What Oldest Daughter is, in terms of labels (and as a sociologist I'm not always a fan of labeling), is gender nonconforming. Gender conformity/nonconformity, like other aspects of sex/gender/sexuality, is probably best conceptualized as a spectrum or continuum. We are all likely gender conforming/nonconforming in some ways. Some of us just fall further to one side or another on the spectrum.
The Genderbread Person is a nice infographic explanation of these differences.
Oldest Daughter identifies as a girl. She identifies as asexual but not aromantic. (Aside - isn't it cool she knows what those are at age 13?! I learned those differences like three years ago). But she looks like a really cute teenaged boy (I'm a little biased). In other words, her gender nonconformity presents as a complete rejection of gender-coded dress, hairstyle, self-presentation. For the past six months or so, she's requested a buzz cut from the barber. She prefers jeans from the army surplus store, plain t-shirts or t-shirts with classic rock band names/fandom references on them, plaid flannel, and black boots to dresses, skirts, etc. Dressing this way may also have something to do with her obsession with the tv show Supernatural. If you know the show picture Dean Winchester and you'll get an idea of what Oldest Daughter looks like on a day to day basis. She is curvy, but the baggy clothing she prefers covers this fact. That plus the hairstyle means people frequently assume she is a boy.
Being confused for a boy is not upsetting to her. But it is strange for us as parents. When Oldest Daughter first started dressing this way and then when she wanted a buzz cut we explained some of the consequences might include negative sanctioning from people and instances of individuals misreading her gender. Mostly, we have noticed the latter. Her school is amazingly supportive of gender nonconformity and LGBTQA kids (thank goodness). Oldest Daughter reports she receives the most negative sanctioning from older ladies at church. I told her the next time that happens to try exorcising them (Yes, she has memorized an exorcism; see my earlier comment about the TV show Supernatural). People confusing Oldest Daughter for a boy is simultaneously: 1) a disorienting experience, 2) a general, daily gender role breaching experiment, and 3) an opportunity for reflexivity on my own socialization and the power of internalized gender roles/the pressure of conformity.
I think my first realization that others assumed Oldest Daughter was a boy happened only recently. We were out to lunch and a random patron said "Your son is so cute." I assumed she was talking about Youngest Son, but it soon became clear she was referring to Oldest Daughter. Dear Husband and I clarified she was a girl and the random person told us the story of her granddaughter who also went through "a phase" of "tomboy" behavior/dress. Random patron reassured us that soon after this phase her granddaughter embraced socially approved gender norms and is now "very girly" with "very long hair." It was not an awkward conversation, but it did bother me that the older woman felt that she needed to establish acceptance of Oldest Daughter's gender nonconformity by contextualizing it as temporary. It may be temporary, but I do not appreciate dismissing her presentation of self in this way. What is the subtext here? That gender nonconformity is only acceptable as a limited-term, finding yourself sort of thing? My child is not broken.
Although we are aware that there is a difference between how we versus others perceive her, this misidentification was initially disorienting to me and Dear Husband because we do not think of Oldest Daughter as boy. We think of her as a girl, but more importantly we think of her as "Oldest Daughter (I mean this as a placeholder for her given name not necessarily her birth order/family role)" complete with all aspects of her personality and our shared family history. Our child is NOT her gender performance. Her gender performance (the nonconformity included) is a PART of her personality, but it is not the sum total. We do not love her because she is a girl or a boy or dresses like a girl or a boy, we love her because she is who she is, and she is ours.
As I hope is clear from what I've written here, I am completely supportive of my daughter, no matter what. I am not challenged on any kind of personal level by her preference for jeans, boots, short hair and the fact that people mistake her for a boy. I do not worry about her sexual orientation. I do not think her gender expression has a damn thing to do with her sexual orientation because I understand these as separate things. And if she ends up preferring same sex partners? To quote the Ninth Doctor: "Fantastic." As long as she is happy, I am happy.
That said, Oldest Daughter's gender nonconformity forces me to face uncomfortable realizations about myself. I, like most of us, have internalized the norms of my society including the problematic ones. When we enter a women's restroom together in public I am aware that some people are assuming I'm brining my teenaged son along. I brace myself for backlash/sanctioning. I am NOT worried about others' judgement of my parenting; I am worried about Oldest Daughter dealing with crap from people that she shouldn't have to deal with. Right or wrong, we are trained to conform. Nonconformity is liberating and constraining at the same time. I worry my daughter will be marginalized for her gender role performance. I think this marginalization is absolutely wrong, but there's that little internalized generalized other voice inside of my head saying: "maybe we should just conform, it's safer."
And then there's a much louder (nerd punk rock) voice shouting "FRACK THAT." But back to analyzing that internal conflict, I understand my discomfort comes from what sociologists call role strain. As a mom, I want to foster and support my child's individuality. But I also want her to be safe. At this point, knowing how difficult it is to be a teenager and knowing how much stress society places on kids this age, I've decided enabling my child to express herself (as long as she's not harming anyone) in a way that is comfortable and feels authentic to her is FAR more important that anyone's need to rigidly police gender norms. And thankfully we live in a time and place where her gender nonconformity is not life threatening. But I wonder how this would be different if she were a gender nonconforming boy who preferred feminine things? Or if she were not a middle class white child?
My other concern with Oldest Daughter's gender nonconformity is that it may represent a devaluing of the feminine in some way. By embracing a more masculine presentation of self, is Oldest Daughter rejecting her feminine side? Is she accepting our overall societal demeaning and devaluing of all things female/girly? Is she conforming to the problematic gender hierarchy she purports to reject? I do not think her actions have this meaning for her. But after my overall concerns for her safety, this is my chief concern. I don't want her to reject the feminine in favor of the masculine because of a social power imbalance between the two. I want her to be herself. Whatever that means and however that is expressed. Because ultimately who she is, including her individuality in the face of societal pressure to conform, is nothing short of miraculous.
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