"People assume that time is a strict progression of cause to effect, but *actually* from a non-linear, non-subjective viewpoint - it's more like a big ball of wibbly wobbly... time-y wimey... stuff." - Tenth Doctor, episode "Don't Blink."
Because turning forty feels that way - I grew up, I moved away from home, I married, I graduated college, I had children, and Bam! one day I woke up and was forty. Middle aged.
And then, at the same time, I feel every minute as old as I am. Increasingly at this age I feel as though I know myself and I am ever more content and comfortable with the person I am/have become/am becoming. For much of my young adulthood I denied important truths about myself and I continually worked on what I'd call "self-improvement" projects: losing weight, getting in shape, being smart, being knowledgeable, being 'nice,' being whatever I thought others wanted me to be (Jeez, Cooley's Looking Glass Self, much, Tanya?) These projects were not about being myself or my best self, however. They were about trying to force my self to fit someone else's notion of a best self. No wonder it didn't feel good.
I'm happier now than I've ever been because I finally like myself. I love who I am right now, at this moment - imperfect, a little crazy, no six pack abs in sight, overly enthusiastic about scifi tv shows and popular culture. That's not to say the last year has been easy. It hasn't. It's been a real kick in the ass. Below is a photo of me kicking it back.
This journey to self love and acceptance (oh God, did I just write that? Ugh, so cheesy.), means learning to ignore that annoying inner critic (Who me?) and let that shit go. But when I say the last year kicked my ass, I mean it. There were incredible things that happened this year: from presenting at comic con with Oldest Son to winning the costume contest at Supernatural Con to seeing Middle Daughter blossom in middle school to watching friends find personal success after so much hard work. But there were also the "worst of times." Let me explain.
As many of you know I suffer from anxiety, depression, and OCD. I have not spoken in detail about this publicly, but increasingly I feel the need to claim this identity. Of course having these conditions is incredibly annoying if you are a perfectionist who is really very happy despite all of this. I have a wonderful husband, three amazing, healthy children, a job I LOVE, supportive and wonderful friends and family, and I don't have to struggle to pay bills. But having these great benefits in your life does not mean you are immune to mental health issues.
My anxiety, depression, and OCD are generally running at what I call a Baseline Level. I am able to function, be very happy, enjoy life and maybe one or two days a month I have what I call a "bad day." I might wash my hands a lot compared to the average person and avoid touching door knobs, but otherwise you would not know from my behavior I have OCD.
But at different points in my life (this summer was one), that shit ramps up to 1000 and I literally want to die. I get to a point where I cannot function. I have panic attacks about getting out of bed because I'm afraid the OCD and anxiety will start. In other words, I have anxiety about having anxiety. Yeah. Good times. When people asked me what I did this summer my answer is "oh not much," but in all honesty it should be "I did anxiety and OCD and it was terrible. I spent three hours a day washing my hands and wiping surfaces in my house. How was your summer?"
For me, my mental illness is a terrible thief who steals me from myself and my loved ones. I'm inside there, locked away watching, but I feel possessed by my "demons," and powerless to alter their control of my behavior. I've also recognized that I've had these issues for much longer than I've been aware of them. But being older for me means being wiser - I am on the other side and can reflect on what I've learned.
Here are my new rules:
1. I will be patient with myself and give myself time to rest.
2.I will have good days and I will have bad days, and I need to accept that.
3. I will have strategies for helping myself and nurturing myself.
4. I will understand and recognize my triggers.
5. I will get help and give up control over things.
6. I will not give up.
I am so happy I did not give up this summer even though I wanted to many times. I got the help I needed and I am so incredibly grateful for everyone who has helped me through this difficult time. I especially have to thank my amazing husband and supportive and patient children and family, my best friend, my mommy friends, my nerd friends, and everyone who listened and gave me the gift of empathy. What you did mattered, truly.
So for my birthday (and thanksgiving), do me a solid, will you? Do something nice for yourself. Take care of yourself, nurture yourself, love yourself. Because when you love yourself, it's easy to love others.
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